Pulver's $200 Question

11:30 PM -- I'm not a professional editor or anything, but a recent marketing message from someone named Carl at pulver.com struck my fancy so hard that I'm actually writing this while standing up.

In his note to me, "community developer" Carl, as his signature says, is reaching out to my community -- people with email addresses -- to see if he can interest one of us in attending the Fall VON trade show.

His approach is like none I've ever seen. Same goes for his use of punctuation, grammar, and logic.

See for yourself:

Any amateur would have done just as expected and followed the above with some kind of offer. A discount. A tote bag. A back rub. Something.

Not Carl. Carl is an artist. And a special offer about a very special conference deserves a little build-up, wouldn't you agree? Now, don't just sit there nodding like a bobblehead. Keep reading:

OK. Well. I said Carl was an artist. Little did I know he was actually going to get all batshit conceptual from the get-go.

So the V for Voice has incorporated Video? Really? What does that mean? And did anyone talk to Video's attorneys about that?

And, apparently, if I go to The Place, I'll somehow see that "o is about the applications"?

Dog my cats, he's not just playing with acronyms, here, Hopscotch. He may be actually tampering with the laws of physics.

Maybe we have to think about this in a more abstract manner. If "o" is about the applications, maybe the "I for Internet" is really about ham sandwiches and the "P" isn't about protocols. Maybe "P" is about dumping protocols and moving in with that tramp Sally, from Accounts Payable.

Is anyone following this? No? Doesn't matter. The note continues with a few more reasons to go to Fall VON:

Just for giggles, let's ignore the fact that Carl's note uses punctuation like Emeril uses garlic. Punctuation is not folded with care into a fluffy message. Punctuation is sidearmed into a fryer, the panhandle is grabbed, and the whole mess is tossed skyward. Bam!

But we're ignoring that, remember? Let's, instead, focus on one key sentence: "Carriers and competitors, partners and people will be gathered to discuss the Internet Communication."

The Internet Communication? That's really what it says. I just wiped the tears from my eyes and read it again.

It's as though the pulver.com camp is studying at the Ted Stevens School of Internet Analogies. What is that phrase supposed to bring to mind -- a giant Princess Telephone hovering in the sky above Mount Olympus?

I am confused, but I am also a mere mortal. In Carl's world, you can see the present, but hear the near future. (And not in the same sentence, either.) In his world, you also know that the o is about the applications, partners are not people, and anything is possible.

Are you still sitting upright? I'm not. I'm flat on my back. At this point, the note couldn't get any more entertaining if it segued into a video of AT&T Inc. (NYSE: T) chairman Ed Whitacre gargling Mentos and Diet Coke. Sadly, it doesn't. But here's how it does end:

I hope that, for Carl's sake, he is not replaced with a machine. When partners and people will be gathered to discuss the Internet Communication, the last thing you want is precision and predictability.

— Phil Harvey, Last Minute Discount Editor, Light Reading